Thursday, October 29, 2015

Heart – Rope – Arms: A dirt-farming peasant’s guide to the occult

Demon Lovers: How to Avoid Accidental Necrophilia & Other Unpleasantness

"Sure, he said 'woodcuts and chill', but..."
Staff Writer: Amenhetep, High Priest of Amen-Re’s temple of Karnak

It begins innocently enough. You are at a ball, festival, or tavern when you meet them – a beautiful and charming man or woman. You have a few drinks, share some laughs, and then their bedroom eyes beckon you to invite them home… But wait! What seems like a harmless night of heady, unrestrained passion may be something far more sinister, or even deadly!

‘Demon lover’ is a general term for unholy, malevolent spirits that feed upon human vitality – usually succubi, incubi, and certain forms of revenants. These insidious creatures possess a variety of dark powers which they use to ensnare their hapless prey, including shape-shifting, bewitchment, invisibility, intangibility, and so on. Demon lovers hunt in different ways, some appearing in fair form to seduce their targets, others simply breaking into the bed chamber to assault their victims. Regardless of their methods however, all are dangerous and potentially deadly; the victims of a demon lover lose strength and energy over time, falling ill and sometimes even dying!

Fortunately however, there are ways to ward against the predations of these infernal terrors of the night…

Detecting & Protecting Against Demon Lovers:

- Never put out on the first date. Hold off a bit until you can be sure that your new paramour isn’t a hideous demon or walking corpse.
- Inspect your prospective mate for unusual features. The powerful stench of rotting flesh, an unnaturally large or cold manhood, and a lack of reflection in mirrors are all signs that you may be dating a wicked, soulless abomination.
- Prepare for a date by eating garlic. If your Lord or Lady is put off by the strong odor, they are almost-certainly a bloated undead husk seeking to feast upon your precious lifeblood.
- Always hang a crucifix over your bed. If cavorting beneath it makes your prospective suitor uncomfortable, it is likely he or she is a vile, wanton tempter sent forth from the very depths of Hell itself.
- Offer your sweetheart a massage, but replace the massage oil with holy oil. If it burns their skin like so much acid, they are undoubtedly a fiendish monster looking to satiate their unholy lusts with your vital essence.

If you discover that you are, in fact, involved with a demon lover, do NOT attempt to deal with it yourself! Contact your local wise-man, priest, or witch, and allow them to handle the situation. Demon lovers are dangerous creatures, and should only be dealt with by those with the proper knowledge and training.

Amenhetep is the High Priest of Amen-Re’s temple of Karnak. He administers the temple’s vast bureaucracy and holdings, as well as the functional day-to-day governance of Thebes, the capital city of Egypt. He also is responsible for maintaining Amen’s shrine and performing important rituals on behalf of the entire country.

Amenhetep has advanced education in all manner of magic, religion, and other esoteric knowledge. He studied at Karnak’s top scribal and priestly schools, and has extensive experience in purity rites, love spells, and death curses.

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